Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Happiness

Today I was interviewed by a man named Christophe from France about "happiness".  He is one of my couch surfers.  He asked me "Are you happee?  Have you found happiiiness in you life?  And what makes you sad?"  This was all on video.  What he asked were the exact questions that I have been asking myself the last few years.  He is a professor of film in Montreal and I might possibly have my 30 seconds of fame on youtube in the near future.
Coincidentally, on my two minute walk home from work, I had a conversation with Marcos about Skagway and happiness.  I put my arm around him, walking slowly and said "I have to find my happiness here, period."  For so long I have hated it here and felt out of place.  Why is that?  I believe it's all in my head.  I can make Skagway what I want it to be, or I can remain miserable.  I need to find that happiness.  Living here is a love hate relationship.  I have so much freedom having this life.  Six months to take work with me and explore the world, but also six months of non stop work, while trying to make new friends with none of my old friends and family here to enjoy.  I feel like I have no purpose in Skagway so instead of bitching about it, I need to find that purpose.
I have been wanting to start a business in Seattle the last few years, but if you think about it, is that a much happier life?  40 minutes to an hour commute and work year round?  Businesses are still closing in Seattle.  I have even seen one open and then close within the same year.  And man is Seattle crowded!  I guess each comes with the bad and the good.  In Seattle, I could do more, volunteer more, take classes, date, meet new people, have my sister and good girlfriends, etc., but be working five days a week with two weeks of travel versus my six months I have now. I am envisioning a scale right now with what I want  out of each lives, with Skaway on one scale and Seattle (or any other city) on the other.   I have to admit, Seattle outweighs Skagway by a long shot.  But I need to see that light at the end of the tunnel before I take the leap.  That entire sliding doors feeling keeps smacking me in the head.  That what if?  Every second, every decision, determining my path.  I am sticking in Skagway until the path widens a bit more to a happier place.  I am such a spoiled, spoiled girl right now.  I fear that if I jumped right now, I would wish for what I once had.
Point:  I am making Skagway my happy place for the summers.  I will find a way out one day, but right now, this is where I am supposed to be.   There but for the Grace of God, go I.

1 comment:

Carol said...

Wow Cole......you sound really encouraging! I'm really impressed by your new attitude. You are right, though, happiness is where you make it. You are such a beautiful, intelligent, caring person, you deserve to be happy. Although through all your travels and experiences, past or future, you'll find that happiness has been in your heart all along.

I love you, you are a wonderful person. xoxo